Alright folks, let me tell you about the cinematic bloodbath known as Abigail. This movie is like a twisted lovechild between Home Alone and Dracula, but with way more fangs and way less wholesome mischief. Directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett, the mad geniuses behind Ready or Not and the recent Scream revivals, Abigail is a horror-comedy that’s as messy as a vampire’s dinner party and twice as entertaining.

Let’s start with the plot, shall we? A ragtag group of criminals decide to kidnap the 12-year-old daughter of a crime lord. Easy money, right? Wrong. They grab little Abigail, who seems like your typical innocent ballet-loving girl. Except, plot twist, she’s a vampire. Yeah, that’s right. They kidnapped Dracula’s daughter. I can’t help but wish I didn’t know this information going into the flick, but it’s in all of the marketing and nearly impossible to avoid. The reveal would have been killer had I not known.

First, let’s talk about Abigail herself, played by Alisha Weir. This kid is like a pint-sized Linda Blair from “The Exorcist,” but instead of pea soup, she’s spewing blood and ballet moves. Weir absolutely nails the role, flipping from sweet and innocent to batshit crazy with the ease of a seasoned horror villain. Her dance recitals turn into murder chases, which are both hilarious and terrifying. Imagine getting chased by a bloodthirsty ballerina—it’s like Black Swan meets It.

Then we have the criminal crew. There’s Joey (Melissa Barrera), the semi-sympathetic protagonist who has more motherly instincts than criminal chops. Dan Stevens plays Frank, the slick, shifty ex-cop who seems to think he’s still in a gritty crime drama. The rest of the gang includes Kevin Durand as the muscle, Kathryn Newton as the techie, and the late Angus Cloud as the getaway driver who’s got more missing brain cells than a frat boy on spring break.

Now, this ensemble cast is a hoot to watch, mainly because they act like they’re in a Tarantino flick until they realize they’re in a horror movie. Their attempts to deal with Abigail are as futile as they are funny. They brainstorm ways to kill her, referencing everything from Anne Rice to Twilight, which is a nice touch for us horror geeks. But let’s be real, garlic cloves and wooden stakes are no match for a vampire who can pirouette through your ribcage.

The mansion where they’re holed up is straight out of a Gothic nightmare with creepy taxidermy and hidden passageways. This setting adds to the claustrophobic terror, making you feel like you’re trapped right along with these hapless kidnappers.

And then there’s the gore. Oh, the glorious gore. This movie doesn’t just dip its toes in blood—it cannonballs into a pool of it. We’re talking decapitations, severed limbs, and enough fake blood to give you diabetes from all that corn syrup. If you’re squeamish, this movie will have you watching through your fingers. If you’re a gorehound, you’ll be in horror heaven.

However, not everything about Abigail is a home run. The characters, while entertaining, are as deep as a puddle after a light rain. You won’t find much emotional depth here, but who needs that when you’ve got a vampire ballerina slicing throats? Other issues I have may be a bit too spoilery to discuss here, but let’s just say there are some significant narrative inconsistencies that just don’t make sense to me. The third act, in particular, really goes off the rails… and keeps going.

Despite these flaws, Abigail excels in what it sets out to do: deliver a fun, gory, and hilariously twisted horror-comedy. It’s not trying to reinvent the vampire genre, but it does breathe new life into it with a unique premise and a strong central performance from Weir. It’s a film that doesn’t take itself too seriously and invites you to enjoy the ride. Just make sure you’re not eating spaghetti while watching. Trust me on this one.

Director: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, Tyler Gillett
Writer: Stephen Shields, Guy Busick
Released April 19, 2024